I call my mom Mama; always have and always will. I have forever wanted to be called the same, but guess what – we rarely get exactly what we want. I have come to terms with being called plain ‘ol mom. I adore nicknames as I find them to be not only personal but so special. Okay, enough about what my children call me. We have more important things to get to.
Today I felt completely and utterly disqualified, ill equipped, and frankly not made for this whole being a mom thing. Both my children were struggling with what they struggle with the most in this time of their lives. My son – school. My daughter – her room. Lord, have mercy on my impatient heart.
My boy has an outright apathetic spirit towards school since like 3rd grade. He’s crazy intelligent + zero motivation = a mom’s worst nightmare. I have to say, though, the apple doesn’t far fall from the tree as his dad about gave my mother in law a heart attack over school until the day she received the phone call he would graduate high school by the skin of his teeth. My man, hands down, most intelligent man I know and he can fix, build, and cook anything. He has a great job and has created a beautiful life for us. I take great peace and hope that our son will continue to follow in his father’s footsteps- but maybe care just a bit about high school? Oh please, just a little.
My girl. She loves ALL things. Therefore, she keeps all things. It’s going to be the death of me. She despises a tidy room and I kid you not, it’s a good day when we can see her floor. My oh My! Again, Jesus have mercy on my impatient soul! We don’t need to keep the package a toy arrived in because we might want to use it as a bag “one day”. I know someone out there has a little one like mine. Everything is so special and so important. She’s going to use it someday for something. Every time we need to do a good deep clean it becomes a fight and I ask her, what do you want to manage, clean, and care for?
I’m not writing this to air my kid’s dirty laundry or just vent about their struggles. I’m writing to tell you about mine. I want my kids to care about the important things. Let me rephrase this. I want my kids to care about what’s important to me. Yikes. Yes, this is definitely about them, but probably even more so about my heart condition and need for control. I recently listened to a sermon about letting go by Pastor Furtick. He told a story about weight lifting. His trainer told him he would be able to lift more weight if he loosened his grip. Oh, Jesus help me loosen my grip.
See, the thing I love about our Creator is just that, He created us. He knows us because He made us. We can have a grip. Another way to say this, I get to parent(grip)my children. But sometimes, I need to loosen my grip so that I have more influence in their lives by being an example of the child I am to our Heavenly Father. They have to learn things on their own. Just typing that hurts my heart. That’s gripping too tight. There’s nothing new to their current struggles. We have taught and raised them both to be responsible with what they have been entrusted with. Now, it’s time for them to practice and live this out. Yes, I still have to keep them accountable and continue to remind, reward, and discipline them. But the anger and frustration and the inadequacy I feel so deep it makes me question if I am made for this – it’s time for that to come to an end by loosing my grip, praying continually, and not expecting them to do things the way that I do. They aren’t me and I don’t want them to be. They are created in the image of God and I want to see that flourish and grow into exactly the plan our Jesus has for them. Lord, thank you for the honor and privilege to be their Mama (ha!) and love them and lead them towards You.
Here’s how I got from the dark thoughts back to the truth. My son had been doing school work ALL day because he was excessively behind on his assignments. It’s now 11pm and he wants to interview me for an article he has to write. Of course I say yes. Do you know what he asks me?
What made you want to be a mom?
Immediately, my Good Shepherd led me back to the truth. I was instantly reminded that all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. I have always loved children. Growing up babysitting and teaching Sunday school was my absolute favorite. Then, He answered my prayers and gifted me with the best man ever and two amazing sweet babies. I don’t have all the answers and I surely mess up on the daily – but this I know – I love my family fiercely and without doubt and I need Jesus in every breath I take.
My favorite representation of the Holy Spirit is that He is our Reminder. I desperately needed a memory jog. He called my attention back to the TRUTH. Yes, I was made to be a mom. Not just any mom – a mom to Broc and a mom to Shelby. Two precious humans that Jesus saw fit to bless me with.
Thank you Jesus there are new mercies every morning waiting for me. How I need them so! Thank You Holy Spirit for the reminders and Your ever present help. Thank you God for being my Heavenly Father and Creator. Thank You Jesus for bearing my sins and sacrificing Your life that I might live. I’m not an inadequate mom or wife or woman. I am a beautifully imperfect mom and wife and woman that is rescued and loved by the perfect Great I Am and that can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
If you will, pray with me?
Jesus. I need you. I can’t do life on my own. Your saving grace and new mercies every morning are where I want to dwell. May Your goodness and perfect love cast out all my fears as I find my strength in You. I surrender. I believe You are the one and only true God, Creator of the Heavens, the Earth, and me. I accept I need a Savior. Thank You God, that You sent Your one and only Son to planet earth to live amongst us as fully human and fully God and to die on the cross for my sins to pay the price for all my imperfections, rebellion, and selfishness. Thank You that I am made in Your image and You love me and like me. Help me to receive Your love and grace – Every. Single. Day.
Amen