March 26th is not only the milestone of fifteen years of marriage between Russell and I, but also fourteen years of our miracle baby’s departure from the NICU. Let me tell you, our first anniversary was nothing short of an unquenchable sense of hope, new life, and freedom.
I need to admit something to you all.
I have been in quite a state of denial over this COVID-19 crap. (Can you hear my attitude?) My day of come to terms with it was just a few days ago. I am such an optimistic, glass half full, life is good even when it’s not – that I could not let all this in – because I finally felt like I was making some kind of progress. You know when you finally feel like you are headed out of the valley and into the high places? (My daughter and I are reading Hinds Feet on High Places and I definitely recommend it!)
So, this is what I did.
I wrote down all of my disappointments. I left a few lines between each one to journal all the feels. I allowed myself to grieve them. Then I wrote out why I was disappointed and angry. My example – I am disappointed the gym closed right after I started actually enjoying it, making progress, feeling stronger, and working out with my husband. I’m angry because I have struggled all my life being consistent with exercise and taking care of my body. Finally I have a GREAT routine and boom! it’s gone. Now I felt the Lord speak to my heart that it is so good I am afflicted and have things I am saddened over because that means I have life in me and I’m living it. In this it shows my character, progression, and fight! My example – Being upset about the gym closing shows my progress in taking care of my body. I mean I could be happy about getting out of exercise when now I ache for it. Progress! Booyah! I love the time with my husband sweating it out and caring for ourselves while pushing each other. The fight in me, in us, turned our unfinished basement into a “home gym” with stuff we just have. We are using moving straps as TRX bands, furniture dolly for ab crunches, my yoga mat for floor routines, and a strap I hadn’t opened yet from a Vikings Women Workout.
This journal entry is not a one and done thing. These misfortunes will continue to arise along with new ones. I will not always choose to see the good in them. Some of them I will just be sad and angry about and then allow Jesus to help heal my heart. The gym closing, that had a solution. I fixed it and made a way to take care of my body. Some don’t have this luxury. I had a trip planned that isn’t happening. There’s no fix to it. When the day arrives I was suppose to get on a plane, I’ll be sad and angry and need a moment. Then I’ll remember why I feel this way. I am all about relationships. I was eager to be with people I love and miss. That’s a good thing.
I will never forget being in the NICU with our son and feeling like we were never going to be released. We were seeing other babies headed home and reacted in fear and jealousy. We had a nurse look us in the eye and tell us with such conviction, “But you ARE going to go home. I can’t tell you exactly when, but you WILL get to take your baby home.”. We would take our son home. And now we have come to a similar place of not knowing when, but that it WILL come to an end.
We acknowledge, process, lament, modify, give thanks, and do what we can do. In the Message it translates John 15:4a & 9 like this – “Live in Me. Make your home in Me just as I do in you… I’ve loved you the way My Father has loved Me. Make yourselves at home in My love.” We are physically stuck in our homes. What an opportunity to genuinely learn to live in His presence and make Him our home. There’s no time better than now.